Funny how sometimes things turn on a dime…
Yesterday my mom did some of her
meddling rearranging. She put a box of my stuff in the kid’s room. Because she was totally going to take everything out leave it alone.
She found a picture of me and her dad on our wedding day. It’s now sitting next to her bed, because it makes her happy to see Daddy, and do I miss Daddy? I miss Daddy in the sense I wish he lived closer so he could
pull his goddamn weight in raising her see her more often. But no, I do not miss being married to Daddy.
Then it became very obvious my mother had been through some of my private things during her rearranging. I have precious enough privacy as it is. Seriously the only thing that would feel more invasive would have been her
crashing my pap smear going through my phone. Can’t I have a little bit left?
The dreams started again…I’m dumping this medicine. I can’t deal with it. Slept later than I meant to after dropping kid off, ran behind. I threw a shirt on real quick and my dad was like “you’re going in the clothes you slept in?” And I was like well no one else knows that.
Then there was a meeting that at first felt good but then later…I don’t know.
Then much anticipated plans were understandably
indefinitely postponed cancelled.
Then kid elbowed me one too many times.
Then my dad made a comment about me yelling, asking why I did. He said maybe no one wanted to hear me yell (I was talking to my mother across the house). I said maybe I didn’t want to hear opinions left and right like I do, but if I have to deal with it they can deal with my yelling.
kind of an asshole.)
And now I just want to cry. I want to cry and walk away from everything, everyone, the way I feel I am always left – standing alone in the middle of a mess to clean up,
the world my brain telling me it’s my fault for not preventing it. But unlike those who leave me I cannot walk away without consequence.
I keep saying it will get better; I wish I knew when.