I need hugs and more meds

I can’t sleep. It’s almost 4 a.m. I’ve watched SpongeBob, Looney Tunes, and In Living Color. I’m nowhere near tired. Not manic – thank goodness. Just not sleepy.

I would like a surprise. Not the kind I’ve been getting – no more of those (although I’m awaiting the next one). I would like a genuine surprise. Such as:

  • My kid behaving (what!??!?!)
  • Money dumped in my lap without strings attached
  • Running into an old friend or receiving a message from one
  • Receiving a random act of kindness
  • Anything that would bring me more than fleeting happiness
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Profound. Timely. Needed.

I did get a cupcake today. That made me…well it made me happy for a moment. Best to take the moment present…. And I got a little bit of a brownie shake later.

I have a great friend who’ve I known for and worked with over 10 years. She has kicked my ass, told me hard truths, and given me candy and milkshakes and fatty food when I needed it most. She is truly my most stable and well adjusted adult relationship. I am honored to have her in my life, and I can’t say enough good things about her. She gently kept me from making another mess.

I’ve decided I can’t handle people. Or maybe I’m burned out on people. Unsure. In any event I need to find work that has minimal interaction with people. Something where I’m given a list of tasks, knock it out, once I’m done my life is mine again. Unfortunately I don’t think I can easily find that work (for more than minimum wage) outside of Fight Club, and the shift I already work has affected someone else’s hours. I made it clear when I asked for the shift I didn’t want it at anyone else’s expense, but the decision makers do what they want regardless of my motives. So unless an opportunity presents itself I’ll let things lie. Besides, I’m only 3 weeks in. At some point something will go wrong and the honeymoon will be over and I’ll realize “yeah…this is enough as it is.” Or I need to find similar task based work elsewhere. Whether I have 1 or 2 Fight Clubs is up to me. I’d like to have zero and live undisturbed. Not on the list of options.

It’s a goal based on a need, but it doesn’t have to be filled this moment.

Kid and I had some can’t sleep snuggles for a bit. It was nice. Until she started commenting on my gray hair and how I should dye it with cheap hair dye. Heifer, you gave me at least half those hairs.

I think so much of my stress as a mother is that I can’t fix my kid, and that is profoundly at odds with my fixer personality. She is who she is, and there’s only so much I can do. All I can do is love her. And not eat her.

I’ve said this day after day after day, and I need it to happen: please let tomorrow be a better day.

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