Aftershock

After posting last night I decided to make my ass fire chili. An odd choice, making chili so late.

I may have gone too far on this batch…I drank milk with it and my lips and mouth are still tingling.

Have a mandatory meeting at Fight Club in the morning. Tuesday was my only day to sleep in this week until Saturday. At least Friday I can come back home and sleep. Actually, I can do that today too. Sort of. Maybe.

There is no food at this meeting. We usually have doughnuts. Biscuits. Something. Where are the fucking snacks? Oh, yay, iced blueberry biscuits are here!

Pointless meeting as always. I honestly believe if you’ve worked for Fight Club more than 5 years you should be given the materials and trusted to read them over like the adult you are.

Chocolate milk is my comfort food of choice right now. Especially as I work through a pot of Ass Fire Chili. I think I made it too hot to punish myself as I ate it.

I forgot to write yesterday, my mom and I were able to talk about kid’s situation. I explained exactly what the new school would offer kid. She was more receptive, more supportive. I told her I needed her to please not keep driving me crazy. She said she acts the way she does because she loves kid so much. I know that. I know she’s well intentioned. But I need to her to listen to me when I tell her she’s hurting me, no matter how well intentioned she is. We’ve gone through this cycle before; I’m sure we’ll go through it again.

Maybe I’ll clean out my car today. It’s long overdue. Might make me feel better to cross it off my list.

Cleaned out the front seat and a little of the back. It’s a start. Sometimes half a task is better than none.

I want to nap and can’t. Frustrating.

Haha, fixed that problem. I did miss People’s Court, but the nap was more important. There’s always YouTube. Although they’ve been getting harder to find on there. Like they’re there but listed funny to escape takedown.

I don’t want to be at Fight Club tonight. Do I ever? No. But I want to be at home with kid. I’ve felt the need to stay close to her lately with my life imploding and hers up for rearranging. There was a baby at the meeting (2, actually, but this one was younger) that I just wanted to eat up. He was 6 months. I barely remember mine at that age; of course there are pictures. She was so full of joy even then. My mom always says she’s never known a happier child. She is the human embodiment of the golden retriever of love and affection. And I would do anything to make life easier for her. I want to take away her problems and let her be able to fit in.

By the way, I want you to know major cognitive disconnect is physically painful. I’ve experienced it recently. You can feel the electrical impulses in your brain zapping you, and in my case I was completely unable to speak. The words I wanted to come out of my mouth couldn’t. Probably for the best.

I want my world back as it was last month. Impossible, I know.

I went to the bathroom…

Chocolate milk doesn’t help with that end.

I’ve barely eaten red meat this month, with the exception of my ribeye Monday.

I must have been tired if I forgot to finish this up. Oy.

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