Not today

All that good sleep I was going to get? No. Not a thing.

I started crying about 12:30 and went for about 15 minutes. Tom and Jerry made me cry because it was the one with Tom playing the Blue Danube while Jerry dances and I heard a chord I couldn’t identify but knew I once could. All that knowledge, lost. Wasted. What good were those As if they mean nothing now? What good is my degree that’s packed away, useless? I can barely play anymore with my jaw flaring up the way it has. So much time wasted.

I couldn’t cry for over a year. Like was physically unable to cry. I produced tears; my eyes watered and were properly lubricated. If I felt like crying the tears wouldn’t flow. I never knew why. I mean, who goes to the doctor complaining they can’t cry? Who wants to cry? And just as it came out of nowhere, it went back to nowhere. And I cry again, helpless tears of frustration and anger.

Pride goeth before a fall. You know I never looked up the meaning of that idiom before tonight? I always took it somewhat literally, that when you fell your pride took a bigger beating than the your body. Not sure why I interpreted it that way or how I was never corrected. What it actually means, which most of you probably know and are laughing at my naivete, is your pride will cause you to fuck up.

Slept in this morning after taking kid to school. Burned out again.

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Where giving a fuck left me. Also virus

Maybe this med adjustment will be rougher than I thought.

I’m hungry. I never ate dinner last night. There’s not much to eat and I don’t feel like going to get anything.

Doubtful hamburger buns and hashbrowns qualify as lunch for most. More than a lot of people get though.

Yet another trip to the office. Who has Xanax laced sugar?

Everyone who knows me keeps looking at me like I’m about to flip the fuck out. Really, it’s ok. I don’t have the energy.

Fight Club was uneventful. I’m home, tired, cranky. Tomorrow is sleepy day.

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